


Only Fools Know

by Alice (Red_Rosepetals)



Series: The Way We Fall [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Banter, Celty’s a good friend, Izaya’s a coward, Izaya’s a liar, Izaya’s an idiot, Light Angst, M/M, Namie knows everything, Namie’s too sharp for her own good, Sad, Shinra just wants Shizuo and Izaya to be friends, Shinra’s just trying to help, Shizuo and Izaya try to have a normal conversation, Shizuo doesn’t get anything, Shizuo’s figuring things out, Snow, Teasing, Winter, no longer will be a oneshot, oblivious!Shizuo, soft!Shizuo, there is a sequel to this btw, this is not going to be the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-02-12 18:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12965790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Rosepetals/pseuds/Alice
Summary: He just hadn't had the courage.Shizuo and Izaya get stuck at the same bus stop as the other but neither has enough energy for a chase during the bitter cold of winter, so at least some civility is maintained. Izaya uses the opportunity as best he can to actually talk with Shizuo.***"Hello, Shizu-chan." He spoke softly, but with the usual taunting lilt of his voice.He could almost sense how Shizuo stiffened before growling faintly."Izaya," he grit out. "What are you doing here?""I thought you'd be able to figure that on your own, even with your protozoic brain, but I guess not," Izaya huffed, lacing the words with airy disappointment before he continued. "I'm waiting for the bus, but I doubt you'd believe me even when I tell you."





	1. Fool

_He just hadn't had the courage._

***

It was cold. The winter air was crisp as it swirled in mindless drafts and dragged against Izaya's skin even through his fur-lined jacket and his gloves. He breathed heavily through his nose, the air clouding around his face as he walked through the hard packed snow, the crunch of the snow a familiar sound to his ears by now. He wished he had a scarf for how the wind whipped across his face with stinging bites, flushing his pale skin red as the blood rushed to his face.

He huffed when he finally saw the bus stop through the thin swirl of small snowflakes twirling through the air without a care. He blinked away frost from his eyes and felt his heart speed up as adrenaline began to course through his body at the sight of blonde hair, a bartender uniform too familiar to be mistaken, and puffs of cigarette smoke. But then he had to stop himself in his mental tracks. It would be bad to be chased by Shizuo now because he needed to get on this bus and as exciting as their chases were, he didn't think it would be a good idea when everything was slick with ice and his parkour ability would be severely limited unless he was willing to risk life and limb even more so than usually. He'd rather get hurt by the beast than to slip on ice and hurt himself by his own fault.

Besides, maybe he could get away without it today because Shizuo was leaning against the back of the bus stop and thus facing away from the bench and the street and there was a partition separating the bench from where Shizuo was standing. But Shizuo always seemed to know when he was around, and yet right now, either he was being ignored or the blonde couldn't sense him because of the weather. He wasn't sure whether he was actually hoping for the latter. Huffing a breath, he calmed himself, placing on his usual mask and pulling up the hood of his jacket- just in case- and sat down on the bench, swinging his legs idly for a moment before he stopped and smiled down towards the ground.

"Hello, Shizu-chan." He spoke softly, but with the usual taunting lilt of his voice.

He could almost sense how Shizuo stiffened before growling faintly.

"Izaya," he grit out. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought you'd be able to figure that on your own, even with your protozoic brain, but I guess not," Izaya huffed, lacing the words with airy disappointment before he continued. "I'm waiting for the bus, but I doubt you'd believe me even when I tell you."

"That's because you're always up to _something_ , flea." Shizuo replied, and the words with followed by a stronger smell of cigarette smoke.

Izaya wrinkled his nose- he was never a huge fan of the smell of smoke- and shifted on the bench.

"Of course you'd think something like that." Izaya practically whispered, toeing at some of the snow at the ground, feeling the ice cold even through his shoes.

"Did you say something, flea?"

"No, nothing," Izaya answered flatly, and tugged the sleeves of his jacket further down over his hands, which were trembling from the cold sting of the air only, of course. "Where are you going?"

"None of your business." Shizuo growled, and again the smell of smoke got stronger.

"That's fair," Izaya conceded calmly, fiddling with one sleeve. "...Is your job still going well?"

Shizuo snorted.

"No thanks to you," he replied with a sharp edge to his voice. "What's up with you today? Are you not going to taunt me?"

"What, did you want me to? Jeez, I didn't know you were a _tsundere_ and a _masochist_ , Shizu-chan," he teased to keep both distance and levity to the conversation taking a turn he didn't want to confront. Shizuo quietly growled at that, but didn't move from where he was leaning against the metal structure. "I have places to be, Shizu-chan, you do know I have a _job_."

"Yeah, and a shady one at that," Shizuo muttered coldly. "And I guess I was right that you were up to no good."

"You don't know that." Izaya retorted in annoyance.

"Maybe, but I know you. That should be good enough." Shizuo replied.

Izaya barely restrained a laugh, that was more of a self-deprecating chuckle, and toed at the snow again. But in the end, he didn't make a sound.

"If that's what you think, I won't fight you on it." Izaya said, glancing up to check the streets for the bus. But when he checked the time, there was still some time until it was scheduled to arrive. He held back a sigh. He had gotten to the bus stop way earlier than necessary, but he hadn't been expecting to run into Shizuo.

"What's that supposed to mean, flea."

"I don't know, you figure it out with your stupid brain." Izaya hissed sharply.

"If I'm so stupid, I won't get it on my own, isn't that what you believe?" Shizuo answered, and took another drag of his cigarette.

And it's the truth, Izaya thought bitterly. You haven't gotten anything at all. I just gave you what you wanted...

Izaya poked at the ground again. Shizuo was not going to die to some stupid thugs he sent after the blonde, but to lung cancer. He was sure of it.

_"Izaya?"_

Izaya snapped up straight, realizing he'd been lost in thought when he'd heard the quiet rumble of Shizuo's voice. It was unfair the way his name sounded on Shizuo's lips.

"I just meant that I'm not going to try to change your mind when I know you won't listen."

"Change my mind on what?"

"Forgot already? Well, that's not on me." Izaya said, and stood up from the bench, shoving his gloved hands into the pockets of his fur-lined jacket. He lightly kicked at some snow and huffed a breath, the air clouding around him and brushing against his face. Izaya glanced at the street again, squinting into the distance to see if he could make out the bus.

He finally saw it approaching and hunched his shoulders for just a moment before straightening his back and shifting from foot to foot.

After a while, Shizuo seemed to notice the bus was coming and he stopped leaning on the structure built to shade the bench and came around to stand just to the right of the bench, the opposite side from Izaya. Shizuo ignored the flea; Izaya ignored the monster in return.

When the bus finally slowed to a halt in front of the bus stop and Shizuo began to walk towards the bus, Izaya finally moved from his spot. But not towards the bus. He turned sharply in the way the bus had come and started to trudge across the crunching snow.

Shizuo finally glanced over in his direction, though Izaya ignored the piercing gaze of those honey brown eyes and kept his leisure pace as he strolled away from the bus.

_"Izaya?"_

He pretended not to hear, not even faltering in a single step.

"Izaya!"

He kept walking, though a little faster.

"IZAYA!"

He was practically running at this point, gasping in sharp, harsh breaths of the freezing cold air and narrowed his eyes against the stinging whip of the wind.

***

He threw off his jacket and gloves onto his couch and practically stormed over to his desk, rubbing his frozen hands together in an attempt to regain feeling in the numb digits.

He was an idiot. He was really, _really_ stupid. Maybe he was worse than Shizuo even. He let himself collapse into his spinning chair and twirled around in it idly.

He'd been late to his meeting and had barely been able to pay attention to anything that had happened because Shizuo hadn't tried to kill him nor had he chased after him when he ran off. Not that he had wanted Shizuo to. He was already going to be late once he decided he wasn't going to take the same bus as Shizuo.

He hadn't thought he'd be able to handle it. Not when he'd held close to a normal conversation with the monster and at that moment they had almost seemed like two normal people, who weren't enemies who always tried to kill the other in some way or another. He was also sure that if he had gone on that bus, he would say what he had wanted to tell Shizuo for a while now and would end up regretting it. Especially when what he had to say would probably provoke the beast's rage and being stuck on the same bus with a Shizuo in rage was not how Izaya wanted to spend his day, nor how he wanted the situation to be if he ever told Shizuo.

He stared down at his entwining fingers and let out a soft breath, leaning back into his chair. He was too tense; he needed to relax.

He perked up at the sound of his front door unlocking as Namie opened the door. He immediately focused on his laptop with unseeing eyes and pretended to be busy.

Namie huffed as soon as she had entered the room, closing and locking the door behind her, and saw Izaya.

"What's the matter with you? You look pale as a ghost." His secretary scoffed.

"Aw, is Namie-san worried about me?" Izaya teased, raising his red eyes to meet Namie's narrowed ones.

"No, I just don't want to deal with you when your pissy. I just want your money anyways." She answered with her usual brutal honesty and Izaya internally cringed.

"How mean," Izaya pouted. "Giving me false hope and all."

"It's not my fault you're delusional." She retorted, gathering up some files in her arms.

Izaya huffed, crossing his arms.

"I'm not delusional."

"Right, that's why you've given up on Shizuo, I see." She mused, with one eyebrow raised accusatorially.

Izaya frowned.

"What does Shizu-chan have to do with any of this?" He queried, confused.

Namie shot him a pointed look.

"There's no use in pretending. I can see right through you. How hilarious, that even you can be forced down to the pathetic levels of your _humans_ by something like an unrequited love."

"Love? _Love_? You think _I_ love Shizu-chan? That's ridiculous! I hate that beast!" Izaya snapped, standing up abruptly.

"Then what were you planning on telling him?"

Izaya faltered for just a second, color draining from his face.

"W-What are you talking about, Namie-san?" He stuttered, trying to regain his composure.

"You know full well what I'm talking about, _I-za-ya_." Namie drawled.

"No, I really don't." He insisted.

"Right, because you're a coward and you will never end up telling him. What a fool you are." Namie said snidely, dropping down the files on his desk with a vicious vengeance.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Izaya insisted.

"Just keep pretending, _Izaya_ , and see where that gets you. I'll tell you as your employee; nowhere." Namie growled and stalked over to her desk.

Izaya frowned at her back, but forced himself to sit down. He'd figure out how she found out later. There were more important matters at hand.

He doesn't see Shizuo for a while, and it's probably better that way.

***

It's cold as he sits on the sidewalk, breathing air onto his hands that were still freezing despite his gloves.

He was being really stupid. He was going to regret this. He should just leave.

Those were all things he thought, yet he couldn't move from where he sat, curled up, small, on the sidewalk with a different jacket other than his infamous fur-lined jacket on, its hood pulled up carefully over his head to obscure his face and hopefully keep him from being recognized.

He really should leave. There was no good reason for him to be there, or at least not one that Shizuo would be able to accept. Then again, Izaya doubted he could ever give a reason Shizuo would believe. Yes, even if he told Shizuo what he had been planning to tell him, the likelihood of the brute believing him...well, the odds were not good.

He fiddled with the ends of his jacket sleeve until he caught himself and stilled his hands. It must be because of the cold. His hands were just cold and thus he'd unconsciously been trying to keep them warm. He wasn't nervous. Not in the slightest.

He sneezed suddenly and pulled the hood of his jacket further over his face, trying to block out the whip of the winter wind, trying to keep a blank face while sitting on the sidewalk waiting for Shizuo. Near his apartment.

Probably not Izaya's best idea, but he never seemed to think clearly when it came to Shizuo. The monster was just too distracting.

The words he planned to say would have no bearing on their relationship. He didn't have to worry. He never thought things would change anyways. Not with the way Shizuo was. Not with the way he was.

This really was a bad idea.

He stood abruptly, but he stumbled on too-cold, too-numb feet and was bracing himself for the impact, ready to catch himself but...

He fell into something solid, felt surprised hands grab his upper arms in what was maybe an attempt to stop his downward trajectory, but his heart began to pound at a familiar smell. Cigarette smoke mixed with the calming scent of lavender and the sweet scent of vanilla. _Shizu-chan._

He kept his head low, glad that his hood hadn't fallen back during his almost fall, and hoped to keep his anonymity. He had already completely disregarded why he had come in the first place. Never mind telling Shizuo _that_ , let alone anything at all. Confronted with the real Shizuo, not the one he made up in his head when he tried to play out how Shizuo would react, Izaya always lost his train of thought, his mouth went dry, his mind blank, and he couldn't think if why he wanted to say anything to Shizuo in the first place. It wouldn't change anything.

When he spoke, it was not in his normal voice, which he hoped was enough to not clue Shizuo in to who he was.

"Excuse me, thank you...I was just leaving so..." he stepped away from Shizuo, bowing respectfully to keep up with the created persona he'd made up in his head to react to the situation.

Shizuo frowned, which Izaya saw through his raised eyes mid-bow, his vision slightly obscured by his hood, but he saw it nonetheless. His heart rate spiked again and he hoped against hope he could just leave. He didn't want to explain why he was here, especially since Shizuo would never believe him.

He started to walk away, not wanting to linger when Shizuo seemed on the verge of recognition.

He sensed Shizuo turn, and despite his urge to walk faster, he forced himself to keep his pace when walking faster would only increase Shizuo's suspicion. He felt uncomfortable under the weight of Shizuo's stare, but he tried not to show it.

He heard the flick of a lighter, knew Shizuo was talking another drag of his cigarette, but he almost stumbled when he heard that deep rumble, the melodious and surprisingly soft words rolling off Shizuo's tongue with a liquid smoothness that could rival Izaya.

"I'm not going to ask," the blonde said, as though to no one in particular. "But you better not be up to no good near my apartment."

Izaya pretended not to hear, or maybe pretended not to know who he was addressing even though he knew full well. His heart clenched in his chest and his eyes watered from the bitter sting of the wind against them, but he kept walking, keeping his head down and his hood up. He was such a fool, and he just hadn't the courage he needed to face this. And Shizuo, it seemed, wasn't going to push him.

He quickly rubbed at his eyes, and as soon as he was completely out of Shizuo's sight did he pick up speed, feet pattering against the stiff, snow-covered ground and he only slowed when he finally reached the train station to catch a train back to Shinjuku. Namie wouldn't notice anything. Everything would be fine. It was fine if nothing ever change.

Only fools know what Izaya knows, and only fools would say the things Izaya wanted, and had planned (and maybe still did plan) to say.


	2. Idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s chapter two of three! I’m working on my stories slowly but surely so there should be more frequent (or consistent) updates unlike in December so hopefully I will get more consistent with updates and not have a month-ish hiatus again.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> XOXO,  
> Alice

It'd just been a normal day. He'd gotten up, he'd done his rounds with Tom-san, and he had gone to Shinra to treat another injury. It was nothing unusual. Sure it was a little colder than normal, with winter wrapping its icy tendrils around the city, but the mundanity and repetitiveness of his day hadn't really changed. No, it hadn't been today that had been strange, but certain moments in the past few weeks had been off-putting, to say the least. Izaya, whom he could always smell when he was nearby, had rarely strayed into Ikebukuro, and when he did, Shizuo was unlikely to run into him.

On the few occasions they had, they seemed to have met by accident, if Izaya's strange behavior was anything to go by; the weaker-than-usual taunts, the almost tired and lazy movements of his typically agile limbs, the lack of nasally arrogance and poise seeping into his purposefully mocking voice, there'd been less energy, less outbursts of rage and violence, and less interest, as though they were drifting apart even though they were enemies and it made no sense.

Aside from this, there was also at least two occasions that had raised alarms in Shizuo's head, and had not only baffled him but made him feel inexplicably frustrated and annoyed. The first was when they'd waited at the same bus stop and had had some semblance of a conversation severely lacking in Izaya's taunts and his own boiling rage. Several of the reasons he had originally not rushed to chase Izaya out of Ikebukuro was that he had somewhere to be, the weather had been particularly nasty (and not optimal for a chase), and that he'd just generally been too exhausted, maybe even in more ways than one, to actually pay much heed to his enemy.

But if Izaya had indeed also been his usual self, that day may have gone differently.

The second incident had disturbed him a little more. And not just because of the way Izaya had acted, but how he himself had responded to the situation. When normally he would have been flooded with not only rage but suspicion at the flea lurking around his apartment, he had practically pretended not to realize who was sitting stiff as a board on the frozen sidewalk, with an unfamiliar jacket hood pulled over dark hair and pasty white skin and eyes dark like a bloody night. He had no idea still why Izaya had been lurking around his apartment, and it did make him uncomfortable, especially with Izaya acting so strange, but oddly enough, concern outweighed his mistrust and discomfort.

He snapped back to the present moment when Shinra finished wrapping his injury.

"Shinra. Izaya's been acting strange."

"Has he?" The doctor queried with no visible interest in what Shizuo was saying. "How so?"

"Dunno, but he's been saying weird shit and hasn't come to Ikebukuro often."

"For the first thing, doesn't he always do that? As for not coming here, maybe he's busy in Shinjuku or has temporarily gone somewhere else. Shouldn't you be _happy_ that he's not around?" Shinra didn't even glance at Shizuo once while he neatly packed away the bandage wraps and everything else he had pulled out to treat Shizuo.

Shizuo looked down at his hands that were tightly clenched and resting on his lap in contemplation.

"When he's not here, it probably means he's planning something worse than normal."

"Uh-huh," Shinra muttered, turning sharply to face Shizuo with an expression he couldn't decipher. "And how is that 'acting strange', as you put it?"

Shizuo parted his lips to speak, but ended up closing them, unsure how to phrase his next words. The doctor focused his attention back on putting everything away.

He packed it all away with a finality and turned his attention back to Shizuo. He let out a breath and met Shizuo's gaze.

"Well?" He prompted.

Shizuo tightened his hands, digging into his skin until he could feel a faint prick of pain before he eased the tension.

"He...Izaya, he was lurking around where I live," Shinra raised a brow, and Shizuo continued. "I knew it was him when I got close, but he hadn't seen me and he ran into me without realizing right away. But then he spoke differently, like he was pretending to be someone else and snuck off. No taunts, no smirking. He didn't even look me in the eyes, Shinra! Is that really the Izaya we know?"

Shinra crossed his arms, and the look in his eyes was obscured when the light gleamed off his glasses and hid them behind the shine of the reflective surface.

"Maybe you don't know Izaya, then," Shinra stated, voice curling on what was maybe distaste. "Or at least, not as well as you think you do."

Shizuo scoffed, shaking his head at the doctor.

"We've known each other for around ten years now, Shinra, how would I not know him?"

Shinra pushed himself away from the counter, turning towards the door and leaving his back facing Shizuo.

"You've known him? Or have you only hated him since the moment you first met?" It's the first time Shizuo has ever heard such raw emotion from the doctor, with accusation dripping clear from the sting of his words.

Shizuo finds himself at a loss for words as Shinra opens the door and turns back towards him, gesturing at the now opened door.

"I think it would be better for you to think on these things on your own. I'm sure you're only bothered by Izaya's absence due to your distrust and hatred, but maybe take some time and think about whether you've ever bothered to know _Izaya_." As Shizuo slowly stood, Shinra remained behind the door, face expressionless and eyes hidden behind glasses.

Shizuo brushed past the brunette and left wordlessly, unable to respond mostly from shock, and unsure how to from his own uncertainty. As he walked out into the streets of his city, his mind worked overtime to process everything, to try and answer questions he hadn't considered, to determine everything that had been made uncertain properly, to maybe figure out Izaya, who he had never bothered to before from his self-assured certainty that he knew his enemy best, and better than anyone.

He growled in frustration, running a hand through his dyed hair and fumbling for a cigarette.

He needs to see Izaya, but he doesn't want to seek the man out. Not when it's for something other than what would be expected. If Izaya's going to act strange, then Shizuo must be the one to dig his feet into the ground stubbornly and refuse to let whatever is up with Izaya destroy the life he'd grown used to. He thinks that maybe if he waits, Izaya will come to him again, and then he can confront him and then maybe Izaya will stop tiptoeing around and Shizuo can stop worrying about it all.

***

The walk is too short for Shizuo to make up his mind and too long when he arrives back at his apartment and there's no one huddled up on the sidewalk in a fur-lined jacket, with messy tufts of dark hair and gleaming red eyes. There's a sharp sting of what might be disappointment in his chest, but Shizuo shoved it down because there was no point thinking about it if he was never going to do anything about it.

He stopped outside his door, listening to the howl of the winter wind wailing through the quiet streets. Maybe he was waiting for something else as well.

But he entered his apartment regardless, the space no different from the last time he'd been in it. So there hadn't been any unexpected (but maybe anticipated) visitors while he was gone.

In the end, as he sat contemplating why he was so fixated on Izaya, he called Celty. The dullahan was always willing to lend a listening ear and Shizuo was always grateful to her for it. He didn't have many others like that, and he didn't want to bother the others. And definitely not with something like this.

***

It's a surprisingly short wait before Celty arrived. Shizuo smiled carefully as he greeted his friend.

"Hey, Celty. Thanks for coming." He said genuinely, glad he could count on her as always.

[Hey. What did you want to talk about?] The dullahan typed, showing him the screen expectantly, yet despite her obvious curiosity, she appeared infinitely patient. Ready to wait for as long as it takes for Shizuo to gather himself and his thoughts together enough to put it into sensible words.

Shizuo really was truly grateful for Celty's presence. But he didn't want to take up too much of her time, already feeling somewhat guilty for calling her out over something that suddenly seemed trivial.

"It has to do with Izaya," he begins, to which Celty stiffens slightly, starting to type something on her PDA, but he stops her by raising a hand. "I think..." He has to pause, clear his throat because it becomes a little hard to speak his next words.

"I think I should try to talk to Izaya, again."

Celty paused midway through typing something, probably an encouragement for him to continue, and she looked up at him in what was probably surprise. She already knew about the whole bus stop incident, which had already been quite a shock on its own, but for Shizuo to actually suggest that he should try and talk to Izaya? Celty was dumbfounded, and a little at a loss for words.

Shizuo waited patiently, seeming unperturbed by her reaction.

[That's good, I think...But how did you come to this decision?] Celty was genuinely curious, wondering what could have changed after their last conversation.

Shizuo fiddled with his hand before smiling bashfully. Okay, now that was new. Celty gave him her undivided attention.

"Well, Izaya has just been acting weird and I also talked with Shinra and he made me realize some things." The blonde admitted, scratching at the back of his neck and offering a sheepish smile to his friend.

[So, are you going to try and reconcile with him?] Celty typed, tilting her helmet out of curiosity.

"Yeah, if he's willing," Shizuo agreed. "Maybe we can even become friends like Shinra always wanted us to."

It's a faint hope, more of a wish than anything, but Shizuo refuses to voice these thoughts. But not for the reason most people would think.

[I'm happy for you, Shizuo,] She wrote genuinely. [I hope things work out between you two.]

Celty felt both proud and happy for her friend, even if she still didn't fully trust or like Izaya herself, she knew Shinra was close with Izaya and it was nice to see Shizuo at least making an effort to take a mature approach to trying and work things out with Izaya. It'd been so long that the two of them had been fighting, so it'd be nice for things to change. The city would surely thank them for it if it meant less destruction to the poor city.

Shizuo smiled at his friend, thanking her for her time and seeing her out the door, seeming happier and lighter than Celty had ever seen him. It was about time they moved past being enemies.

All alone, Shizuo is left to think about the other conclusion he had reached after considering everything. But, in the end, he thinks it's still way too soon for that. He's not ready for that, and he doubted Izaya would be either. If only he'd known what was coming.

***

His rounds with Tom-san could have gone better, but he's on edge the whole day and the debtors are more annoying than usual. He can't deny the innate satisfaction he's granted when he's able to vent some of his rage and inner turmoil rather than keep it bottled up to fester like an open wound. Sounded like something Izaya would do.

Shizuo growled under his breath when the flea crossed his mind again. It'd been happening a lot and with each time, it became more frustrating because the flea seemed to have disappeared, almost as if he had never been there in the first place. He finds it almost as worrying as suspicious and it's part of what's been putting him on edge for the past week or so.

He may have decided to try and talk with the flea, but seeking him out was a whole different ordeal and something Shizuo wasn't sure he should do. Besides, recently, Izaya was the one seeking him out. Or at least, that's what it looked like.

Shizuo still couldn't figure out why Izaya had been outside his apartment that one time, but he hadn't noticed anything different so he began to doubt that Izaya had done anything other than sit frozen on the sidewalk for who knows how long, only to leave as soon as Shizuo came back. The more Shizuo thought about it, the less it seemed to make sense.

As per usual, Izaya was a complete enigma. And it frustrated Shizuo almost as much as it pissed him off.

He paused for a moment from walking to withdraw a cigarette, lighting it before he continued back to his apartment, thoughts drifting back to Izaya's recent behavior.

Shinra may have had a point that maybe Shizuo didn't really _know_ Izaya, but Izaya's recent behavior still had been strange, out of character from how he behaved around Shizuo, at least.

He took a slow drag of his cigarette, closing his eyes to keep himself calm before he got riled up about Izaya. He'd been practicing this sort of thing in preparation for his planned talk with Izaya- that is, if the flea even let it happen- because if he let his rage take over, his whole decision would be pointless and his words would be meaningless. He'd meant when he'd told Celty he wanted to try and work things out with Izaya and he didn't want to be the one to ruin it.

He exhaled out the smoke, eyes fluttering open again and greeting him with the nearby sight of his apartment. But not just that. He took another deep drag of his cigarette, now knowing he would definitely need it before he continued approaching towards his apartment, planning to stop a decent distant away from the person sitting on the sidewalk. He's too exhausted to care too much at this point, but he's also been given the opportunity he wanted, without having to seek Izaya out himself. That on its own could be considered a victory.

Once he came close enough that he could get a better view  of Izaya, but far enough to give  him space, Shizuo stopped, neither very surprised nor enraged at seeing Izaya sitting on the sidewalk near his apartment just like the last time, but this time, Izaya wasn't even trying to hide that he was the one there, wearing his usual fur-lined jacket unlike the last time. Something seemed different, seemed wrong. The situation felt staged, fake when it was most definitely real.

"Izaya? What are you doing here?" There's no boiling anger, no accusatory tone, just a little bit of concern mixed in with his general weariness. Izaya looked over at him blankly, almost unseeing.

"I have something I want to tell you, Shizu-chan." Izaya replied, not in his usual overly chipper, taunting voice, not with his usual smirk adorning his face, just a little bit of bitterness mixed in with the seriousness of his tone.

Shizuo already felt himself tensing, felt his confusion forming into words slipping past his lips. Everything about Izaya's behavior screamed _wrong_.

"What-?" Shizuo wasn't able to finish when Izaya's next words cut through the air, freezing Shizuo's blood and causing him to stand stock still.

"I won't bother you anymore."


	3. Coward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long! I wrote myself into a bit of a corner and was worried about the pacing again, like last chapter...And just a reminder that there will be a sequel to this, so this is not the end of this little series. The sequel also won't be that long (Maybe 5 chapters at most? I haven't decided yet). 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter regardless, sorry if it's a bit of a mess!
> 
> XOXO,  
> Alice

_You're an idiot, Shizuo._

Izaya just couldn't deal with this anymore. Not the full-blown rage always directed at him, not the chases, as exhilarating as they were, especially not now when he'd gotten a small taste of something other than that. He couldn't handle it, and he knew if things continued as they had, he would only make it worse. 

_"I won't bother you anymore."_

His words hung in the air and he could almost hear them echoing inside his head. Izaya couldn't really read Shizuo's expression, but he could clearly see the way his eyes clouded in confusion and suspicion and the way his hands tightened into fistsfrom rage. Izaya was utterly still as he took in Shizuo's reaction without much thought. 

"Izaya, what the hell are you talking about?" Shizuo growled, brown eyes dark as he desperately searched Izaya's face. He was definitely upset, but about what, Izaya was at a little bit of a loss. 

Izaya looked away pointedly, confused and unable to accept or believe the emotions he thought he saw swimming in Shizuo's eyes. He didn't want to deal with this right now. He was done. 

"I won't bother you anymore," he repeated slowly, in a way he knew would come off as condescending and would irritate the blonde. He had to confirm something, had to confirm that nothing had changed after everything. "It's not like I won't come to Ikebukuro, I still have to work but...I won't purposely bother you."

He chanced a glance towards Shizuo, an inconspicuous and fleeting glance to gauge his reaction. He felt a twisted mix of hurt and satisfaction to see the typical clear hints of rage etched into the blonde's features. If he'd been in the right mind to think about it more, he might have realized why Shizuo looked hurt. But he didn't even bother.

He heard Shizuo suck in a deep breath, heard the flick of a lighter and knew he was taking a drag of a cigarette, but he didn't look over at the blonde, only stared off to the side, standing almost perfectly still.

He heard the exhale, heard the shift of Shizuo's feet, the crunch of fresh snow, and still waited. It was as if he couldn't leave until Shizuo said something else.

He wasn't even sure what he was waiting for. A 'finally, you're getting out of my hair'? A 'what the hell, flea, now you decide to leave me the fuck alone'? Or maybe a 'I don't actually want you to leave me alone'? He almost winced at his own thoughts. 

"Fine," the word comes quick and deadly and everything falls apart at the word but at the same time everything has been righted, "But if you bother me or Kasuka, I still reserve the right to kill you." Shizuo added, but it didn't sound very threatening nor angry. Izaya vaguely wondered if he felt disappointed by this. It's not quite what he expected, but then again he wasn't really sure what to expect in the first place. Shizuo was never a person he could predict.

"Of course," is Izaya's immediate reply, his mind on autopilot while the rest of him shuts down and closes off. "But I promise nothing like that will happen. I told you, I won't bother you anymore."

"I see." Shizuo's reply is clipped, and Izaya still doesn't look over at the blonde, too overwhelmed by conflicting thoughts and emotions. 

In the end, Shizuo is the one to turn and walk away, towards his apartment, as Izaya is left watching, wondering what the hell just happened. There's an ache in his chest as he follows Shizuo's back with his eyes until the man disappeared into the snowy white distance.

Why did it hurt so much? This was his decision, but the way Shizuo had reacted just seemed...too toned down, too calm, too accepting, as if he couldn't care less. Izaya shoved away the quiet voice in the back of his mind telling him that maybe that was the truth. That his existence didn't matter to Shizuo, and it never had.

The encounter, as always seemed to be the case with Shizuo, had not gone as he had expected. And it left him wanting.

But it wasn't something he could have.

***

He only goes to Ikebukuro when he has to, when work calls him out into the city away from the lofty comfort of Shinjuku. But even when he does go, he doesn't purposely seek out a certain blonde man nor does he go out of his way to draw the man's attention when he spots him from a good distance away. He'd kept true to his word, but everything seemed so bland, so boring. It's strange, but he can't place it. 

He found himself missing their chases even though he had grown to hate them before. He doesn't understand how he could miss them, even if they exhilarating due to the adrenaline,  because they were one of the things that represented the unshakeable dynamic that had become established between him and Shizuo, the dynamic he had wanted to change even when he knew it was impossible.

It was why he had given up on thinking he could change things; it was partially his fault their dynamic could never be changed the way he wanted it too. He couldn't help but provoke the blonde when he saw him get so angry just from seeing him in Ikebukuro. 

So he did the next best thing. He stopped it, stopped everything. Even if he couldn't get Shizuo to stop hating him, maybe he could get the blonde to stop looking at him with such hatred, from chasing him through the streets and alleys of the city, from uprooting street signs and vending machines and from throwing them at him...

He'd gotten what he'd wanted, what he'd thought he could get from ceasing to go out of his way to bother Shizu-chan, but why did it leave him so disappointed, so...empty?

When he'd spot Shizuo, he would end up watching him from a distance as though doing so would tell him the answers to all his questions. It doesn't, it really doesn't. If anything, it just makes him more confused.

Something wasn't right, it felt like things were still unsettled, like there was still something that Izaya had missed, had overlooked and now he was left puzzling over what it could possibly be. And it probably had to do with the fact that he genuinely had no idea what the blonde was ever thinking. The blonde had always been so unpredictable, acting outside of Izaya's expectations over and over again that he came to expect Shizuo to be predictably unpredictable. 

As he watched Shizuo one of the times he was in Ikebukuro, he was certain that he wasn't the only one affected by everything. In a way, it was almost reassuring, but at the same time, it wasn't like he could talk to Shizuo about it. He had promised not to bother the blonde, and even though he was doubting himself, he intended to keep that promise. And it wasn't even because of Shizuo's threat. 

For a while, his days bleed into each other, becoming monotonous and repetitive until he didn't know what day it was half of the time. That was, of course, until he got injured during a job.

***

Maybe he had been a bit careless, maybe he had been too distracted by his own thoughts, but for once, things didn't go according to his expectations, and this time, it wasn't even because of Shizuo. He had, within reason, assumed the woman might bring a weapon, but it had never been in his plan to actually get hurt, let alone stabbed by his right shoulder. This, of course, meant he had to visit Shinra. The underground doctor seemed less than pleased. 

"Well, if it isn't Izaya. I haven't seen you in a while. How's my friend doing?" Shinra asked, sounding sarcastic. 

Izaya shrugged, and gestured to his wound before sitting on the couch. 

"Just treat this for me, Shinra. I haven't bothered you in a while." He got an eye roll in reply, but the doctor got out some bandages along with some other medical supplies to treat the injury. 

"So," The doctor said as he walked over to Izaya, the supplies still in his grip and his voice carrying a certain sting behind it. "Did you tell Shizuo?" Shinra asked, as he began to treat the wound clinically. 

Izaya stiffened for just a brief moment, before wincing from the pain the movement caused him. He had, somewhat indirectly, mentioned this  _issue_ to Shinra, but he hadn't expected Shinra to ask him about it. He didn't look at the doctor, and instead fiddled with one of his switchblades in his fur-lined jacket's pocket, hesitating to answer because he really didn't want to talk about this right now. 

"I told him I wouldn't bother him anymore." Izaya answered instead, sidestepping Shinra's actual question.  _Unsuccessfully_ , if Shinra's sharp look was anything to go by. " _Izaya_ ," The doctor muttered in exasperation. "Why would you do that? Did you give up? After this long?" 

Izaya took the switchblade out of his pocket, idly flicking it open and close. He really didn't want to continue this conversation, but he knew Shinra had always supported the idea of him and Shizuo becoming friends, and had wanted them to get along. Because of this, Izaya felt like he owed Shinra an explanation, even if he was still uncertain about it himself. 

"I couldn't deal with it anymore, Shinra. Not after talking to him at the bus stop, it was so...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I shouldn't have approached him again, but I did. I just couldn't do it."

Shinra sighed, looking a little sympathetic, but also vaguely annoyed. 

"You know, things weren't as set in stone as you are inclined to believe," He commented casually, finally bandaging the wound. "You probably could have changed things, one way or another." 

Izaya scoffed, shifting away from Shinra once he was done. 

"What are you talking about, Shinra? Changed things how? Make him hate me even more? No thanks, I'm good," He shook his head, and Shinra stared at him strangely. "I've had enough of this, this is getting nowhere. It's too late anyways. I'm not going to go back on my promise."Izaya stood, starting to head towards the door. Shinra followed him a few steps behind. 

Shinra raised a brow curiously. "Promise? What promise?" He asked, ignoring Izaya's statement that their conversation was over. 

Izaya stopped, huffing out a exasperated breath, and whirled around so that he was face to face with the brunette doctor. 

"That I won't bother Shizuo anymore. It doesn't matter anymore, Shinra! It's over, don't you get it? I'm not going to tell him, so he's never going to know. That's it, that's the end. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be." He quickly turned back towards the door, and left before Shinra could say anything more. 

His steps are hasty as he all but ran through the city, trying to ignore his injured arm's protests. He probably should have asked Shinra for some painkillers, or at least not left until he got any, but he didn't want their conversation to go on any longer. He couldn't even quite explain it to himself, so how was he supposed to explain it to Shinra? He also hated talking about his feelings anyways, and he really didn't want the conversation to turn towards that. Partly because he didn't want to snap at Shinra, or the likes, and partly because he really did hate having those kind of conversations.

It's really a miracle he even told Shinra about what he had wanted to tell Shizuo in the first place, but he had, and he was slightly regretting it. At the same time, it meant he could always talk to Shinra about it, even if Shinra could sometimes be really annoying about it all. 

Due to his injury, he decided to take less jobs for the while, and for the most part, avoided going to Ikebukuro not for the first time. With the extra free time, he has a lot of time alone with his thoughts, and the more he thinks about it, the worse he feels. He swore it was all giving him a headache, and Namie was no help. Shinra somehow decided to tell her about what he said to Shizuo, and he could see her annoyance and disapproval in every interaction between them. 

Couldn't they just leave him alone? It was his decision, and he didn't plan on changing his mind. He sighed, and turned on his computer, deciding to distract himself with the chat logs, vaguely hoping to find something that would spike his interest.  He's really gotten tired of this whole ordeal, and wants everything to just stop. 

***

He's visiting Ikebukuro about a week after seeing Shinra, when he accidentally ran into Celty. He wished he hadn't. He'd wanted to leave Ikebukuro unnoticed, but luck wasn't on his side, as often seemed to be the case, but at least it wasn't Shizuo. He wouldn't be able to handle running into Shizuo after their last real encounter. He ignored the thought that Shizuo always noticed him and was ignoring him because he'd said that he wouldn't bother Shizuo anymore. That thought was too much for him to entertain at the moment. 

Celty was quick to stop him, practically thrusting her PDA in his face as soon as her finger typed out what she wanted to tell him. 

[Izaya, I heard from Shizuo,] he froze at that, almost not wanting to read the next words as his heart sank. [Why did you do that?]

His mouth is dry, he doesn't want to have to justify himself to Celty but he's curious why she cared so much. She made it sound like it was a  _bad thing_ that he decided to leave Shizuo alone. Was Celty not Shizuo's friend? His confusion must have been visible on his face, because rather than waiting for a reply, Celty showed him another message.

[Did Shizuo not talk to you?]

He stared blankly at the screen and he's left balking at the words in confusion. What would Shizuo have talked to him about? 

"About what?" He managed to query, eyes flitting from the screen to Celty.

Celty seemed to realize that Izaya didn't know what she was talking about, her shoulders sagging as if she'd been drained of her hopeful energy. Izaya was even more confused, even as Celty showed him a new message. 

[I see...so he didn't tell you?]

When Izaya just raised a brow in question, not bothering with verbally prompting her again to elaborate. 

[He wanted to try and talk with you,] Celty paused, considering something. [He said he wanted to try to reconcile with you, Izaya.] Izaya's blood turned cold and his stomach began to feel queasy.  _What? How could that be?_

[I guess you ruined that, Izaya.]

Izaya stared at her, unsure how well he was hiding the inner turmoil he was feeling. When he spoke, however, even he could hear the slight bitter sadness that crept into his tone unbidden.

"Yeah," his voice cracked in a uncharacteristic way. "I guess I did."

He couldn't tell whether Celty was looking at him with pity or bitterness, though he had some doubts about it being the latter, but, nevertheless, she turned away without another word and after sitting back on her motorcycle, she sped off. Izaya watched her leave, slowly letting himself begin to unravel while he felt himself begin to chip apart, scolding himself before letting everything fall to silence.

It was still so cold, the wind deciding to pick up and buffet against him while he felt his feet freeze to the sidewalk and his face fell slack.  He looked down at his feet, saw the powdery white snow scattered across the sidewalk and even that felt like a mocking reminder of everything that had happened.

He couldn't wait for the winter months to be over so he wouldn't be so clearly able to remember the stupid things he had done. These past few weeks had been tiring, and he was sure he hadn't been thinking straight. 

Shizuo may have been an idiot, but Izaya was a coward. _And he'd ruined everything._ That thought hurt, it burned in his chest with an unnameable ache that wouldn't go away. He held onto that feeling even as it slowly suffocated him because maybe, maybe, maybe he could fix this. Maybe, maybe, maybe he could right this. And maybe, maybe, maybe, he and Shizuo could be something else, something other than enemies. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please ignore if you are reading this now~~ I decided to continue it so this does not apply!!
> 
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> ***
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> 
> Idk if I should keep this as a oneshot or not so if you want this to be continued please let me know and I will consider it.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> XOXO,  
> Alice


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